


Never Say Never

by fbi_woman



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-07-10 20:52:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15957311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fbi_woman/pseuds/fbi_woman
Summary: After months away from home, she's wondering if she could start over. Abby/Buck. Spoilers for season 2.





	Never Say Never

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea why I started writing this because I swore at most I would finish the fics I had started and was otherwise done writing for 911. I thought I was really upset over the confirmation that Connie’s not coming back, but now it turns out I’m far more upset and disappointed with how it sounds like they’re planning to handle the relationship as a result of that. I’m not down for that, and thus not planning to watch. I’m also feeling a little alone atm, because I feel like I’m taking this soooo much harder than everyone else. Granted, I do get overly emotionally invested in my shows, and I know that, but I get the impression everyone else is kind of moving on already and I’m not even close to being there yet. Anyways, for whatever reason, this started writing itself in my mind and I decided to start jotting it down. You WILL be unhappy with me (and Abby) through a lot of this, and I don’t think it’s going to be everyone’s cup of tea. Tbh, I’m not even sure how I feel about it. But even in the face of no canon future for them, I will still give you a happy ending. Title is borrowed from a song by The Fray that seemed fitting.
> 
> **SPOILER ALERT** This is based on what has come out about season 2 thus far – that Buck is still living in Abby’s apartment waiting for her to come back, but the others are thinking she’s not coming back and he needs to accept that it’s over. 
> 
> Side note: I obviously have no idea what they actually say when you call the emergency number in Ireland, but for the purposes of this fic, you can guess where I’m going with it. I also don’t know the visa requirements and stuff but whatever, just roll with it. I’m going to ignore the new characters, because I don’t feel I know them well enough to write them convincingly.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own anything associated with 9-1-1 or Fox, and make no such claim… we all know that if I WAS affiliated with them, things would be going down much differently.

“112, what’s your emergency?”

It had been roughly 5 months since Abby arrived in Ireland. It sounded like a long time when she thought of it that way, but it didn’t feel that long. She had spent almost the first 3 months travelling the country, exploring everywhere at her leisure, but once she was satisfied with that endeavour, she had ended up back in Dublin and unsure of her next move. The first couple of weeks were hard – without tourist activities to distract her, she was really feeling the weight of her life, and she knew she had some big decisions to make. Part of her wanted to stay here forever. She loved Ireland – like, _really_ loved it – and in all honesty, the thought of returning home was daunting in some ways. Could she really just step back into her life, in the same apartment and the same office with the same people, like nothing had changed, when really everything had changed? The way she lived her life would never be the same now, so maybe it would be a good idea to start over and have a clean slate. And the longer she was gone, the easier that option seemed. On the other hand, leaving behind everything you’ve ever known is a lot easier said than done. But about 6 weeks ago, she had decided to try exactly that. She wanted to see if she could really do it. So she got a job, and she found an apartment that someone was looking to sublet while _he_ was off travelling. He was willing to let her pay month by month, which seemed ideal. She could test the waters of this new life without having to sign a lease or anything.

The hardest part of trying out this new life was undoubtedly Buck. She had stopped calling when she made the decision, and she felt bad about that. She texted a couple times so he would know she was okay, but she didn’t call, and she didn’t answer his calls. It wasn’t fair, and she knew it, but she didn’t know what to say. How could she tell him she might not come back? How could she say ‘oh, by the way, I got a job and apartment’ and _not_ have that be a huge issue? It would be better if she didn’t say anything until she had decided for good to stay or go… well, maybe not _better_ , but easier. And if she had made up her mind, it would be easier to stick to her guns and not be talked out of it. It was selfish and cowardly, she knew. He deserved better, and that’s why she felt shitty about it. She felt even worse about what she was doing later tonight though: she had a date.

She really wasn’t that interested in the guy, but part of staying would be moving on, and she had to find out if she could. Sometimes she thought it was possible, and other times she felt so empty without talking to him that it seemed completely _im_ possible. There was no doubt in her mind that she still had feelings for Buck, but being away for so long had definitely made it easier to try and tell herself that maybe it wasn’t anything special. Maybe he had just been exactly what she needed, exactly when she needed it, and someone else would be able to evoke the same feelings she had with him. There had been a spark with him from the beginning, even just on the phone, there was no denying that, but a spark doesn’t always mean it’s right. There was no initial spark with Daniel, but he seemed nice enough and he was attractive… he didn’t hold a candle to Buck, of course, but still. Sometimes chemistry develops over time. That being said, this was date #3 and if she still didn’t feel anything after tonight, she was cutting him loose. She _wanted_ there to be something there, because that would make the decision so much easier, but there just hadn’t been thus far. But maybe she shouldn’t base the decision on just one guy; maybe she should try one or two more first? God that sounded awful, even in her own mind. No, seeing one guy was bad enough when poor Buck was still waiting on her. Tonight was the last night unless she finally felt something for Daniel.

* * *

They were off the clock now, and Bobby had just whipped up a pot of chilli for a late dinner. Normally Buck enjoyed the time they spent together as a team, but as of late, he was coming to dread it. 

“Heard from Abby lately?”

Buck rolled his eyes at Chimney. That was quickly becoming his least favourite question, and he was pretty sure everyone knew it, but they asked anyways.

“Not since last week.”

As had become the norm, his coworkers shared worried looks at his answer.

“What?”

Bobby raised his hands. “Nothing.”

It wasn’t nothing and they all knew it. It was actually a disagreement they were having with increasing frequency lately.

“She’s travelling; she’s not going to be on her phone all the time.”

They descended into an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes before Chim started up again.

“Hey, remember that girl I met last week that I was telling you about? The cute blonde? I’m taking her out tomorrow night. Why don’t I see if she’s got a friend that could come? We could double.”

“I have a girlfriend.”

“It’s just one dinner, doesn’t have to be a big deal.”

“Thanks, but no thanks.”

“I’m just saying, maybe you should keep your options open.”

“And why should I do that?”

“You know… just in case.”

“Just in case what?” he demanded.

Chim looked distinctly regretful he brought the subject back up. “Forget it.”

“No, say it. In case what?”

“In case she doesn’t come back,” Chim answered quietly.

“I really wish you’d lay off that. My relationship is none of your business.”

“It’s just been a long time, man. And now she’s not even texting you.”

“Yes she is.”

“Not often. You have to admit that’s not a good sign.”

“Seriously Chim, knock it off. _Now_. I don’t want to hear about this again.”

“We just don’t want to see you get hurt,” Hen added gently. “Chim has a point: you two don’t talk nearly as much these days. Maybe it’s time to consider that she might be moving on.”

Buck shook his head. “She wouldn’t do that. She wouldn’t just disappear on me without saying anything. She said she’d be back, and I said I’d be waiting. That’s all there is to it.”

He roughly shoved his chair back and stormed off to the locker room. He was tired of everyone lecturing him. He wasn’t stupid; of course he was concerned that she seemed to be distancing herself. But he wasn’t prepared to actually consider her _not_ coming back as a real possibility. She was the best thing in his life, and he didn’t want to lose her.

When he got back to her apartment, he took his time walking through it, looking at the family photos and keepsakes sprinkled throughout. Her favourite coat tucked away in the hall closet. The blue sweater he liked, hanging up in her room. The little jewellery box on the dresser that held her mom’s pearls. She wasn’t really gone, right? Surely she wouldn’t leave all these things behind? With every week that went by, he grew less and less certain.

* * *

She drank _way_ too much at dinner. The plan had been just one glass of wine, maybe a second, but that changed pretty quickly. The more they talked, the more she got a sinking feeling that this wasn’t going to work out - that she wasn’t going to get the easy answer she had hoped for – and thus the more she drank. She had vowed to cut herself off at tipsy, but then he started talking about cricket and she waved the waiter back over. If Daniel had noticed her attempt to drown her sorrows, he didn’t mention it, which was fine by her. She was actually relieved when he asked for the cheque. She was ready to crawl into bed and feel sorry for herself, then try to get some sleep before the harsh light of day reminded her of looming decisions. It wasn’t until she got up from the table that she realized exactly how drunk she was. She was considerably less steady on her feet than she anticipated and had to grab her chair for balance. He looked back over his shoulder and she flashed what she hoped was a reassuring smile and tried to focus on walking a straight line behind him. When they stepped outside, she suddenly became aware of a problem – she couldn’t exactly drive back to her apartment like this. 

“Want to come to my place for a coffee? I’m just around the corner,” he suggested.

Yes. Coffee. Coffee was an _excellent_ idea. She eagerly accepted the invitation and took the hand he offered her, grateful for balance he would help provide. The last thing she needed was to trip over her own feet and embarrass herself further.

Immediately upon entering his flat, however, it became apparent that ‘coffee’ had not really meant coffee. As soon as he closed the door behind her, he pulled her close and kissed her. And she let him. She wasn’t sure why, really. She didn’t really _want_ to kiss him, but she supposed part of her still had a sliver of hope that something would trigger that spark. It didn’t though. Instead, it felt wrong. She had known the truth all along, no matter how hard she denied it: she wasn’t ready to move on without Buck. She tried to pull away but he followed her, and the backward motion had her feeling unsteady again. Her hands flew up to his shoulders for support, and he obviously misread the intent, because he started walking her backwards until she was pressed against the wall. He was aggressive in coaxing her lips apart, and she was instantly sorry she acquiesced. His kisses were sloppy and unrefined, and she wanted to break away but she was firmly trapped between him and the wall.

She squirmed against him, trying to escape, but once again he must have misunderstood her intentions, because suddenly she was being lifted off her feet. She was forced to wrap her legs around his waist and grip his shoulders again to keep herself upright. The abrupt motion had thrown her equilibrium and the room was starting to spin. She squeezed her eyes shut against the dizziness and tried to calm herself down. _You’re okay, Abby_. She just needed a minute to get her bearings, and then she would apologize profusely and make her getaway. Without warning, she seemed to be falling, and then her back collided with something soft and she realized she must be on his bed. That was also the moment she realized her top and bra and were gone. When the hell did _that_ happen? She didn’t remember him taking them off. Of course, she hadn’t been aware of them moving to another room either. His hands were at her waistband, and then he was pulling off her pants and panties in one motion. Her eyes flew open, alarm bells going off in her head, and she was surprised to find he was now naked as well. _This is BAD, Abby, get the hell out!_ He climbed onto the bed and was hovering over her when she tried to sit up.

“Whoa, just wait a minute.” Her words were a little slurred, but she knew she said them.

Daniel, however, seemed oblivious to her weak protest. He pressed his lips to hers and eased her back down on the bed, and the next thing she knew, he was inside her. And she was horrified.

 _No, no, no, no, no_. This couldn’t be happening. How had this spiralled out of control so quickly? All she had actually wanted was coffee. Why didn’t she say something sooner? She wanted to say something now, wanted to push him off of her, but she seemed to be frozen in shock. She couldn’t get any words out, and she couldn’t seem to move her limbs. Everything just felt numb. So she closed her eyes again, feeling the sting of tears starting to form, and waited for it to be over. She had no idea how long she lay like that - it felt like hours, but it was probably only a few minutes – and then at last he was done. He rolled off of her and mercifully made no attempt to hold her. She felt sick. She was ashamed of herself, for putting herself in this position. She knew better. But at the same time, she felt violated; she knew she hadn’t exactly said no, but she hadn’t wanted this either. Worst of all, though, was the guilt she felt. Never in her life had she ever really cheated on someone, and she had just done it to possibly the greatest boyfriend she ever had.

She bit her lip hard, holding herself together by a thread while she waited for Daniel to fall asleep. She didn’t want to talk to him. She didn’t want an awkward goodbye. She just wanted _out_. As soon as she felt his breathing even out, she slipped out of bed and stumbled through the apartment as quietly as she could, throwing her clothes on as she found them. Her shirt was in the living room, but despite walking the hallway three times, she couldn’t find her bra. Not wanting to risk waking him up to check again, she simply left it behind. She fled the building in tears and went straight to the nearest garbage can to be sick. It was partially due to the alcohol, no doubt, but it was the disgust and regret that really had her stomach churning. She still couldn’t go back for the car she borrowed, so she started towards the nearest bus stop instead, swaying unsteadily in her heels but trying to hurry nonetheless. She just wanted to get home.

Against her better judgment – because really, where had her good judgment been all night anyways – she pulled out her phone and scrolled through her contacts. It took her three tries to successfully tap on the correct name, but then it was ringing and she was holding her breath. She had no idea what time it was in LA but she was desperate to hear his voice.

“Hey Abbs.” Buck’s warm voice greeted her, and she dissolved into tears.

“I’m so sorry,” she sobbed.

“What’s wrong?”

“I made a _huge_ mistake, Buck. I screwed up. I screwed up so, _so_ bad.” Her words were slurring together again, her mouth seemingly unable to keep up with her brain.

“Abby slow down, I can’t understand you. Are you drunk?”

“Yes,” she admitted, crying harder. “God, I’m so stupid. This is all my fault.”

“Where are you?”

She took a deep breath, trying to compose herself a little. “Walking to the bus stop.”

“Alone? What time is it there?”

The concern in his voice was making her feel worse. She didn’t deserve him. “I don’t know. Late. It’s dark.”

“Are you okay? Tell me what happened.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’ll hate me.”

“Abby, I could never _hate_ you.”

“You will.”

“Come on, you’re scaring me. Just tell me.”

“I slept with someone,” she blurted out, sobbing once again.

The line went silent. And the longer the silence lasted, the more panicked she got.

“I’m so sorry, Buck. I didn’t mean to. It all happened so fast.”

“What do you mean, you didn’t _mean_ to?”

“I didn’t want to! I didn’t go there thinking that would happen. I don’t even know how we ended up in his room. I thought I had time to back out.”

“I’m confused. Are you saying you were raped, or you cheated?”

“I don’t know!” she wailed. “I don’t even know! I didn’t say no, but I didn’t say yes either. I tried to get away and I asked him to wait, but he didn’t. But I went to his apartment and I let it happen. I don’t know what that means.”

“Wait, why were you at some guy’s apartment?”

“Because I was drunk.”

“That doesn’t make any sense!” she could hear the anger rising in his voice and she didn’t blame him one bit.

“We were on a date and I drank way too much and couldn’t drive home and –”

“You were on a _date?_ ”

 _Shit_. She forgot he didn’t know about that. “Sort of.”

“What the hell, Abby? How long have you been seeing him? When were you planning on telling me? Or were you never going to? Just leave me hanging like a dumbass.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“You know, everyone told me something was up, that you were going stay there, and I said no way, she would never do that without saying goodbye. But they were dead on, weren’t they?”

“I’m so sorry,” she said again, weeping.

“I don’t know if that’s good enough, Abby.”

“It’s not, I know it’s not, but I don’t know what else I can say.”

Her bus pulled up and the timing couldn’t have been better. She wasn’t sure she was prepared to hear what he would say next.

“I have to go,” she said quickly, “I’m so sorry, Buck, I love you. Please don’t hate me.”

She ended the call and turned her phone off. She couldn’t take any more tonight.

The bus ride back to her apartment was hell. She swore the driver managed to hit every pothole along the way, and she barely made it home without throwing up. Actually, she didn’t make it home. She ended up parked in front of the garbage can at her stop for several minutes before she staggered two minutes up the road to her building. When she got inside, she made a beeline for the bathroom and got right in the shower. She sat there in the tub until the water ran cold, but she still didn’t feel clean. She pulled on a pair of pyjamas, grabbed a blanket and a pillow, and got ready to camp out on the bathroom floor, knowing her night wasn’t nearly over.

* * *

Buck had been in a foul mood all day, losing patience with everyone around him at the drop of a hat, and he knew it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t their fault. They didn’t run off to Ireland and start seeing some other guy. He supposed he probably deserved this, like some kind of poetic justice for his past behaviour: the guy who never wanted to commit, leaving a trail of disappointed girls in his wake, finally falls for someone and gets a taste of his own medicine. It sucked, but worse, it hurt like hell. Maybe this was why he had never fallen in love before; you can’t get hurt if you don’t stick around long enough to care. But it was too late for that now. He loved her, even if he hadn’t said it yet, and he was crushed to think she hadn’t been missing him like he had missed her. She _dated_ someone. No wonder she stopped calling. What else hadn’t she told him? 

The team was sitting down for a quick lunch when he snapped at Hen about something stupid. She raised an eyebrow but just sat for a minute, silently staring him down, and he knew the cracks in his armour were showing.

“What’s up with you today?” she asked finally. “You’re all wound up about _something_.”

He sighed, knowing it was no use lying; she would get to the bottom of it eventually. “I think Abby cheated on me.”

A surprised chorus echoed around him. They may have thought she was gone for good, but they obviously hadn’t expected to hear _that_.

“ _Abby?_ ” Chim said incredulously. “She didn’t seem like the type.”

“You guys said she wasn’t coming back, I guess I should have listened,” Buck replied glumly.

“You said you _think_ she cheated on you.” It was a statement more than a question, but all eyes turned to Bobby when he said it.

“Yeah. I mean, she called me and told me, but she was wasted and crying the whole time so I didn’t really get everything she was saying.”

Hen looked suspicious. “That doesn’t sound like Abby.”

“I’ve never heard her like that before,” Buck admitted.

“What did she say?” Bobby asked.

“She said she slept with someone, but that she didn’t mean to. When I asked her what that meant, she said she didn’t want to but it too happened fast, and she seemed confused about some of it.”

“Buck,” Hen said cautiously, “that sounds more like rape than voluntary sex.”

“That’s what I thought at first, so I asked her which is was, and she said she didn’t know.”

“As in, she didn’t remember?”

“No. Apparently she was on a date with this guy. She said that she didn’t say no, but she didn’t say yes; that she asked him to wait but didn’t do anything to stop him. She said she didn’t know what to call that.”

Hen was glowering now. “A person doesn’t have to say the word ‘no’. If you don’t want it, and you express _any_ kind of doubt or hesitation, your partner should stop and clarify consent. He took advantage of her. I hope you told her to file a police report.”

If ever there was a moment he vehemently wished he could turn back time, _this_ was it. He would go back to last night and redo that entire phone call. He heard her say ‘date’, and essentially stopped processing anything else she had said. She had reached out to him – confused, upset, and hurting – and all he had focused on was his own hurt.

When he didn’t answer right away, Hen narrowed her eyes. “What did you do?”

“I… reacted badly. As soon as I heard she was on a date I just kind of…” his voice trailed off.

“Lost it,” Bobby finished for him.

“Yeah. And you know the saddest part? She said she loved me. She told me about this terrible thing that happened to her, I yelled at her, and then she said she loved me.” He dropped his head in his hands. “God I’m an idiot.”

“I don’t know where this leaves you two,” Bobby said gently, “but I think you both have some talking to do. Don’t leave it like this for long.”

“I won’t. I’ll call her tonight.”

He stayed true to his word, but the call went straight to voicemail. It was still early in Ireland, so maybe she was still asleep. He left a message and kept his ringer on all night, but she didn’t call back. He tried her again in the morning, but again it was straight to voicemail. He left another message. Then he texted her in the afternoon. And called again in the evening. He was trying to be patient and if she needed space, he wanted to give it to her, but worry was starting to set in. _Please call, Abby_.

* * *

Abby didn’t leave her apartment for 3 days straight. She didn’t want to see anyone, or talk to anyone. She didn’t even get dressed. She called in sick to work and just stayed in her pyjamas 24/7, alternating between sleep and Netflix. Sleep was her preferred escape. When she dreamt, there was nothing to remind her of that awful night. There was no Daniel at all; there was only her and Buck. When she was awake, she was still trying to wrap her head around what happened that night. After a lot of thought, she was starting to think that she was at fault for some of it, but not all of it. Daniel had undoubtedly taken advantage of the situation; she could reconcile that in her mind. She hadn’t been _that_ drunk in almost 20 years, and whether he misread it or simply ignored it, she _had_ tried to disengage. Could she have prevented the situation by being a little smarter with her choices that evening? Possibly. Could he have simply been a gentleman, called her a cab, and shared a coffee while she waited? Absolutely. So she was slowly letting go of that shame she had felt for letting it happen. But ultimately she was still responsible for being unfaithful: she never would have been in that apartment if she had stayed fully committed to Buck. She had let her commitment waver, convincing herself it was okay to do so, and that was on her. And then to make things worse, she went and further embarrassed herself by telling him she loved him… for the first time… while she was drunk and on the way home from breaking his heart. At least, she was _pretty_ sure she really said it. Worst timing ever. 

After 3 days of wallowing, she reluctantly decided to face the world. She probably had one hell of a ticket for leaving the car parked on the road for 3 days. Hopefully it hadn’t been towed; it wasn’t even hers, the guy she was renting from had said she could use it, so she wasn’t sure how she would be able to claim it. When she finally turned her phone back on, she saw she had 3 missed calls and a text from Buck, 2 missed calls from her brother, a text from Daniel, and 4 voicemails. She decided to deal with Daniel first – and for the last time.

[Text from Daniel]: _Good time the other night. Liked the lacy memento you left me. See you again soon?_

[Text from Abby]: _Keep the memento. NEVER call me again._

She promptly blocked his number. As far as she was concerned, there was nothing else left to say.

[Text from Buck]: _Can we talk?_

She hesitated for a minute, her fingers hovering over the keyboard, before she finally decided she should listen to the voicemails before replying.

[First voicemail]: _Hey Abbs… look, I’m really sorry about everything that went down the other night. I was only thinking about myself, I shouldn’t have gone off on you like that. What happened to you wasn’t okay, and I feel really bad that I didn’t keep my cool long enough to realize it. I should have been there for you, and I wasn’t. I’m here if you want to talk, and I promise I won’t fly off the handle this time._

Jesus… _she_ screwed up, and he was apologizing for getting mad about it. Would she have loved for him to comfort her over what happened? Of course, but she hadn’t expected that for even a millisecond. His reaction was, in her opinion, completely valid and to be expected. She probably should have waited until morning to call him; it hadn’t helped matters that she was disoriented and confused at the time. If she had taken the time to process everything first, she certainly could have addressed it in a better way. His sincerity was both heart-warming and gut wrenching, her guilt at war with the sliver of hope that maybe he would forgive her.

[Second voicemail]: _Hey Abby, it’s Matt. It’s Tuesday and you missed our weekly Sunday chat, and I haven’t heard from you. Just wanted to make sure you’re okay._

 _Oops_. To be honest, she had completely forgotten about their usual Sunday check-in, and basically lost track of what day it was. She sent off a quick text saying she was alive and just had a rough weekend. She could explain later.

[Third voicemail]: _Hey Abbs. Umm, I don’t really know what to say. I just… I don’t like how we left things. I don’t hate you, by the way, and I want to hear you out about what’s been going on… if you still want to try and make this work, that is. If not... just call me, okay?”_

She felt her spirits lift a little: that sounded promising, though she wasn’t sure how he would take it when she confessed she had been considering staying here.

[Fourth voicemail]: _Hey Abbs… me again. I’m probably calling too much. If you want me to leave you alone or you need some space or whatever, you can tell me. I’m just worried about you. Let me know you’re okay?”_

 _Shit_. She probably should have turned her phone back on sooner. It was pretty late in LA, should she wait to call? Or maybe she should text. Yes, that was a better idea.

[Text from Abby]: _You awake?_

Her phone buzzed almost right away.

[Text from Buck]: _Yes_

Now she wasn’t sure what to say. She had kind of expected him to be asleep, so she didn’t exactly have a game plan in mind. Then her phone started ringing, and her heart started racing. _Oh God, it’s happening. We’re going to talk about it right fucking now._ She stared at the phone for a few rings, as if expecting it to answer on its own, and she just snapped into action as the voicemail was about to pick up.

“Hi,” she said quietly.

“Hi.”

A minute passed where neither of them spoke, and then Buck took the lead.

“So… how are you doing?”

“I’m okay I guess. I don’t know. I still feel weird about what happened. Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner, I had my phone off. I just needed some time to sort myself out.”

“That’s okay. I’m really sorry about how I acted that night. I should have been more supportive and made sure you were okay before focusing on how it affected _me_. And I shouldn’t have lost my temper like that.”

“You don’t owe me an apology, Buck. I’m the one who screwed up. I expected you to be mad, and you have every right to be. I should have waited and had a composed conversation with you in the morning. I wasn’t thinking straight.”

“I’m glad you called, I just wish I had handled it better.”

“It’s done now, there’s no point in dwelling on it. I do feel like I should tell you the whole story though. From the beginning. If you want to hear it.”

“I do.”

“Okay.” She took a deep breath and tried to keep calm. “I had been intending to come home when I got back to Dublin. I was honestly only planning to stay for the three months. But then when it came time to actually book the flight and go, I just didn’t feel ready. I missed you, but I just couldn’t picture going back and picking up my life right where I left off, like nothing had happened. Then I started to wonder if I really _had_ to go back. So I decided to try out starting a new life here. I didn’t know how to tell you and I didn’t want to lie to you, so I stopped calling.”

“I wish you _had_ told me. Yeah I would have been upset at first, but I want you to be happy, Abbs.”

She sighed. “In hindsight, I wish I had told you too. I knew it wasn’t right for me to hide it from you, but I did it anyways. I just didn’t want to hurt you if it turned out that I wanted to come home after all. I would have told you eventually, but I thought it would be easier on everyone if I waited until I knew for sure. But that was probably only easier on _me_.”

“So, how did this ‘new life’ start?”

“I found someone subletting their apartment while he was away, so I moved in there. He also had a car he said I could borrow. Then I got a job doing 911 calls here, only it’s 112. Daniel – the guy from that night – he worked in the building next door, and we always ended up having lunch at the same place down the street. That’s how I met him.”

“You… had an apartment… and a job…” He sounded a little shell-shocked, and she winced.

“Yeah.”

“And a boyfriend.”

“ _No!_ Definitely not. I’ve only gone out with him a couple times, and I was going to end it. I knew the hardest part of staying would be leaving you behind, so I guess I saw Daniel as sort of a test, to see if I could connect with someone else. And to be honest, I kind of hoped it would work, because it would have made the choice to stay so much easier. But it didn’t. I was going to give it 3 dates, and if I still didn’t feel anything, I would end it. That night was the third date, and I was so bored and dreading how much harder it would be to decide what to do.”

“And that’s why you were drinking.”

“Yes. But I wasn’t thinking ahead, and when we went to leave, I remembered that I drove there, and I definitely couldn’t drive home. He lived close by and invited me to come have a coffee, and I thought that would help, so I said yes. But I guess coffee was code for something else. I don’t think he even said a word to me after we got inside. I just remember him kissing me, and I kept trying to move away, but he would just move with me, and I was so dizzy that I was afraid to let go of him.” She could feel the anxiety of that moment and paused for a second to regroup. “I don’t remember what happened to my clothes, or how we got to his room, I just remember being on the bed, and then I started to panic and I tried to get up. I asked him to give me a minute, because I knew I needed to leave but I was so out of sorts. But he didn’t, and then it was just _happening_ and I just froze. I waited until he fell asleep after and then I left. I was leaving his place when I called you.”

She waited for Buck to say something, but the silence seemed to stretch on and on forever, and she was sure he could hear her heart pounding through the phone.

“Abby… that wasn’t your fault. You know that, right?”

“I didn’t then, but I do now. But it _is_ my fault that you got hurt too. What I did wasn’t okay.”

“No, but now that I’ve heard the whole story, what you did wasn’t as bad as I thought it was either. Are you sure you’re okay though? You should report that son of a bitch!”

“It wouldn’t go anywhere. I was three sheets to the wind and showered the minute I got home so any evidence is long gone. I guess it couldn’t hurt to make a statement though, in case something like this ever happens with him again. I’ll be fine; I’m feeling better already. But I’m going to feel guilty for a long time.”

“Guilty about what?” He sounded genuinely confused.

“Hurting you. I know that what happened wasn’t my fault, but in my mind, I _did_ cheat on you, because I shouldn’t have been seeing him in the first place.”

“I’m more hurt that you didn’t tell me you were having doubts about coming home than anything else. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I don’t like the idea of you seeing another guy, but I’m more disappointed that you weren’t upfront with me. That being said, there is one thing I have to ask. I’d like to think I know the answer, but I need to be sure. If things had been different, and you did like him, would you have told me before… anything happened?”

“Of course! I only ever planned to go on a couple dates, just to see if I could imagine myself with someone else, and I felt awful enough about doing that. If I thought it was going to turn into something, I would have told to you right away. If I could do the last 6 weeks over again, I would.”

“I believe you. Can I ask one more thing though?”

“Sure.”

“Did you mean what you said before you hung up that night?”

 _Oh boy_. “So I really did say that out loud, huh?”

He chuckled softly. “Yeah, you did.”

Her voice was barely above a whisper. “I meant it. I love you. And I know I betrayed your trust, and that I’ll have to earn it back, but I hope you’ll let me try. I want to come home, Buck. If you’ll have me.”

“I love you too, Abbs. We’ll work it out. Just get your butt back here.”

She smiled so hard her cheeks hurt.

* * *

Buck tapped his foot anxiously, wondering what was taking so long. He was in the arrivals section of LAX, waiting to pick up Abby. The screen said her flight had landed 20 minutes ago, and a stream of people had just cleared security, but she wasn’t one of them. His heart was starting to race. What if she had a last minute change of heart? No, no, she would have told him. They had been talking every day since she decided to come home, and she had promised she was done hiding things from him. Despite what had happened, he still had faith in her, and he believed she was on that plane. At the sound of excited chatter, he looked up to see another clump of people emerging and quickly scanned the group, but there was no sign of her. He was about to check his phone for the hundredth time when suddenly there she was. He was hit with a rush of emotion, and for a second he couldn’t breathe. It was all the confirmation he needed that they were doing the right thing. 

He watched as she looked around and her eyes finally landed on him. She started walking faster, and though she broke into a smile, he saw the tears starting to trickle down her face. She crashed into his embrace, wrapping her arms around him tightly.

“I’m sorry,” she murmured, her voice muffled against his chest.

“I know,” he said softly, placing a kiss on the top of her head, “I’m just glad you’re here.”

She looked up at him then, smiling through her tears. “Me too.”

He brushed his thumbs across her cheeks, drying them, and couldn’t resist pressing his lips against hers. “Let’s get you home.”

**Author's Note:**

> *hides in a corner, terrified* Yeah, I have no idea what y’all are gonna think about this and I’m a little stressed about it lol. If it’s any consolation, one of the ones I had on the go before I decided to stop writing is a fluff piece, and I’m trying to work up the motivation to finish it. I had 2 on the go at the time, and I’m hoping to finish both, but it may not happen before the season premiere. So I guess they’ll just become AU *cries*.


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